The meaning of music

The day my mother passed away, I got a call shortly after lunch that I should come to the treatment facility as quickly as possible. I got in my car and headed out as fast as I could. I turned on the radio and immediately switched to a classical music station. At the time, I didn't want to hear anyone else's words. I didn't want to deal with anyone else's emotions, good or bad. I just wanted to hear something beautiful.

Since that day, a little over a week ago, I've been listening to classical music most of the time when I'm driving. I've switched over to pop and adult alternative stations briefly, but I usually end up switching back to classical before too long.

I've been curious about this. It's a completely new compulsion that ties directly to the death of my mother. I've wondered what could be the sudden attraction of classical music.

Today, I think I figured it out. I realized that, to me, classical compositions have endured for hundreds of years and, therefore, represent the possibility for a human being to create something lasting. The idea that a person's creativity and perserverance can result in something that continues long after they are gone is important to me at this stage in my life. This is even more true now, in light of my mother's passing.

I created a piece of music for my mom's funeral service. I wanted to do something musical, but I knew I could not perform live. My dad mentioned someone else from the church who had recorded a song for her father's funeral. So, I set out to record something. It ended up to be very simple, although I recorded part of it with an instrument that I barely play (the recorder). Mostly, it was just my guitar, my voice, and some subtle harmony. I cried through the whole thing. I felt like it was my final symbolic gift of everything I was, everything that I had become with her help. I know that her influence won't end in my life, but it felt like this was one of those moments around which everything changes. It was a powerful feeling, filled with beauty and sadness.